“I am not young enough to know everything”

-I really don’t even know what to say, or if I even have anything. Matter of fact, I don’t have anything at all. I’ve got a lot on the brain, but nothing that really looks right on paper (or on a computer screen). Here we go… it may end up being nothing at all.

– I have the urge to just disappear. It’s been an urge that I’ve had on and off for quite some time. One of these days, I’m going to up and leave one night, and I’ll go to some random place and be some different person. Rationally, I realize that I couldn’t do such a thing, being that I love my family and all that… but it is quite appealing to just pull a Robert Redford (The Apostle) and leave, go somewhere, be something new. I feel so dormant here lately, like I’m not really accomplishing a damned thing. I’m halfway through my life, and I don’t have much to show for it, besides the kid here and the other one on the way.. but anyone can make a few kids, so that’s nothing really exceptional. It doesn’t help that I’m surrounded by either the dying or the stupid every time I go to work. The people I take care of give me no hope in humanity. Last night I worked, and a three year old kid came in with a gunshot wound to the back. I met a woman who was being concurrently raped by her husband and her brother-in-law, who had four children, and didn’t know which man any of the children belonged to. She’s a frequent flier, she’s always in the ER… because she’s always getting raped and beaten. She’s about as bright as a box of rocks. Of course, the smart people are the worst. They’re the ones that come in because they were ran over by their wives or crashed their rich-person airplane.

– I had a panic attack at work last night. I think that’s why I couldn’t quit barfing. I threw up for four hours straight, even after my fellow RN’s gave me nausea meds… my stomach hurts today from barfing so much.

– My father in law, who weighs all of 78 pounds and cannot breathe, is wheelchair bound. He got mad at this other old man (who has no legs) out at the nursing home because the old man threw an egg on the ground and was cursing in front of the ladies…. being that my father-in-law is a rambunctious fellow, he takes a vase, dumps out the flowers, and goes toward the guy, aiming to crack the vase over this other guy’s head. The staff of the nursing home got to Cecil before he got to no-legs, so no-legs survived. As funny as it was, I worry that Cecil may get kicked out of the nursing home pretty soon, and then my ass will be stuck trying to find a new one.

– I feel as if I am being taken for granted by my husband, and I’m not sure he really cares too much about this pregnancy. I’m not sure if I have legitimate reasons, or if it’s just horomones.

I’ve got to go, for my nose is bleeding.