“I am not young enough to know everything”

History classes were always booooorrrring. I was never amused, I never really thought history to be too important, and plus there were friends in the class with me, and we all know how that stifles learning. So being that I feel like I’m not very knowledgeable on historical matters pertaining to the nation in which I live, I decided I would like to know a thing or two. I’m learning some things that are just insane!

Did any of you know that Christopher Columbus was an eh’hole? This guy not only enslaved indians, he would also go around cutting off their hands if they didn’t bring him enough gold once every three months. He had smooth sailing coming over, his ships weren’t pieces of crap like the history book said, and his motivation was money, not exploration (which I could have concluded before reading this book).

The people of his time didn’t believe the world to be flat. That’s something Washington Irving made up in 1828 that somehow stuck. I never did believe this one, but it’s nice to hear that they really weren’t as stupid as history books make them.

Did you know Hellen Keller was a founder of the ACLU? She was a social radical who praised communism. Who would have thought little Helen Keller was such a political figure? I had no idea, I only knew about her being blind and deaf, befriending Anne Sullivan, and becoming a “humanitarian.” Hell if I knew the rest of her story.

I wish history books would really teach these students some of this stuff. History would really cease to be so boring, and kids might have a better understanding of our foundation. It’s really about time someone stood up against the Betsy Ross myth, and stopped lying about that damned Cherry Tree and Washington’s not-lying ass. College History professors are the only educators that must un-learn what students learned in high-school. That’s just sad.

If you haven’t read it, I’m reading Lies My Teacher Told Me by James W. Loewen. It reads almost like a textbook and takes a while to get to a point, but the information is good.

So did you guys know that Mitch Hedburg was dead? Because I just found out, and someone should have told me.

Here I was trying to find his tour dates online, and I figure out he died in the midst of that Terri Shiavo fiasco. No wonder I didn’t know, I was stuck for two months looking at pictures of her on the news. Ugh.

So I’m married now.

 I’ve been married before, in what I like to call a “starter marriage.” I read one time in a magazine about the starter marriage phenomenon, and thought it applied well. I guess lots of people these days marry people they really shouldn’t, just to get the experience under their belt. That wasn’t my intention, but it turned out to be a good descriptor. The first one just didn’t feel real. It never was really a marriage I guess, more of an inconvenience for us both. But alas, I’ll talk about happier things.

Someone asked me the other day if I thought marriage was a good idea, and wasn’t 100% sure on how to answer it. I know for me it’s a good plan, but for others (ahem…) maybe not so much. I live life from a Christian viewpoint, so there’s always that… and then these days, it just seems more economically secure.

Now I’m bored with this blog. I was going to write about the economic impact of marriage and discuss the “Protection” of marriage act that just failed in the senate, but I got bored. Dammit, I really do try to blog about important stuff, I just think way faster than I type I guess.

Points:

1. The “defenders” of marriage in our government are mostly divorced.

2. Economically and socially, it would make more sense to allow same-sex couples legal rights of marriage.

3. I have gay friends that have been together way longer than most straight couples I know.

4. If you want to “defend” marriage, kill off some of those celebrities with their three-seven husbands. Get rid of Liz Taylor alone and you’ll lower the mean by several points.

5. We don’t need a president that runs our nation by his version of the bible ( I think it’s the same version my daughter has, written for three year olds). We need a president who runs the country by actually THINKING about something.

6. My job isn’t to prohibit others from doing what they want to do. My job is to live my own life right.

7. I really like Mitch Hedburg. You should check this guy out if you haven’t already. Funniest guy in the world.

The Newest Survey from GS

101. What is the most surprising photo that you do not remember taking?

I can’t think of one. I’m really not surprised by anything I’m caught doing.

102. Favorite gym class game? Did you like it when you were in gym class?

It would have to be Green Monster. The Monsters wore green aprons and would tag people “dead.” Then, the red apron dudes (life-givers of some sort) would bring you back to life.

103. In your opinion, what is the least sexy type of athlete and why?

1. Erin, curling is not an athletic competition.
2. I’m a great fan of soccer players, for their legs. I admire football players the most overall. Skill players, not the Line.

104. If you were born into a different ethnic background and nationality, which would be your top three combinations?

Russian Atheist, Columbian Jew, and Swedish Chef.

105. Would you marry a clone?

Coming from a medical standpoint, no. I would be afraid of the potentially flawed genetic makeup.

106. What is the mark of a good restaurant?

The food! I can’t ever get good food anymore! Everything all tastes the same, and is boring.

107. State for the record the most obscure historical fact that you think that you know. Keep in mind, if you are wrong, this will be hysterical.

Hitler had a pee fetish. He liked to piss on women and then sex them. Or kill them, whatever.

108. If your ring-tones could be set for types of calls rather than people and your selection could be anything, what tones would you select for the following:

Parents/Relatives – Something by Garth Brooks.

Best Friend – Anna Begins

Work Friends – Apache by Sugar Hill Gang

Friends You Dislike/Hate – Silence. I don’t want to answer their call.

Lovers – DMB, probably Crash

Booty Calls – When I had them, it would have been King Nothing by Metallica.

Telemarketers – Again, silence.

109. Using real (alive or dead) musicians name and assemble the most…

…80’s band ever! – Hell I don’t know. Madonna, Paula Abdul, and Tiffany in a girl group?

…angst ridden alt-band! – Aaron Lewis from Staind, Eddie Vedder, The drummer from Led Zep, and

…groovy funk band! – James Brown, Flea on bass, Carter Beauford on percussion, and whoever was funky enough to play guitar for them would win out.

…plain-out, straight-up, rockin’est band ever! – The above band, but put Vedder on vocals instead of James Brown.

110. Lets assume that you are a nerd, and you are in high school. What Dungeons & Dragons character would you have? …don’t even act like you haven’t thought about this.

Seriously, I don’t know. I’ve never played the game. Is there a fairy?

111. Is there something in life would you most like to own, but would not take it if it was given to you?

A genuine slave. I would love to have a slave, but I don’t think it’s quite moral these days.

112. What is the most immoral thing that you have ever done?

I’ve cheated in past (serious) relationships. I’ll leave it at that. I know it was wrong…

113. Have you ever worn clothing of the opposite sex for a boyfriend/girlfriend? Have you ever worn food for a boyfriend/girlfriend?

I’ve never had a boyfriend ask me to wear men’s clothing. That’s odd. And yes, I’ve worn food.

114. Top three X-Games that you would like to be a World Champion in:

Snowboarding, BASE Jumping (probably not an X game) and Riding motorcycles really fast.

115. Top three covered songs… just the song, not specific artists covering a song. … okay now, what are the top three covers done by a specific artist?

1. Crazy Train, My Prerogative, and Whiskey in the Jar
2. Never Been to Spain (covered by The Nixons), Carmelita (covered by Adam Duritz) and I can’t think of another one that could equal these two.

116. If you had tourrettes (sp), what words would you have come most frequently exploding from your mouth. –

ShhhhshSHHSSHHHHIT.

117. Outside of the last fifteen years, if you could reverse one historical event, one historical political decision, and/or erase one historical figure, which/what would they be?

Event: Bush elected the 2^nd time

Decision: Iraq (went about it the wrong way)

Erase: Monica Lewinsky

118. Should clones be allowed to vote?

It isn’t their fault they were cloned. Sure they should be allowed.

119. If you could pick three different hosts for American Idol who would they be?

120. Name the 80’s rock / movie / pop star you would most like to

… be - Madonna

… be best friends with – Molly Ringwald

… be in their entourage – Eddie Murphy

… fuck – Brett Michaels (I don’t know why, I have a thing)

121. Three people who you would love to see featured on MTV Cribs

The Bum that comes in the Hospital all the time, Courtney Love, and John Cena

122. Write a Haiku about Weezer.

You, Rivers Cuomo

Are quite the looker, you know

With those hot glasses.

123. What bands would you most like to see on MTV Unplugged. Whatever happened to that show anyway, that shit rocked!

Pearl Jam. I think I would die if I saw that. And you’re right, it did rock.

124. So you’re going to the Oscars, and you are nominated for Best Lead in a Film. What do you wear? Who is your date out of all of Hollywood? And what is does your speech consist of if you should win, verbatim?

Wear: Vintage Chanel. Of course. Everyone looks amazing in Chanel.

Date: If it has to be one from Hollywood, I would take Johnny Depp.

Speech: “Wow! Thanks to my fans, my Shane, and my Bec. I remember back in Junior High they never picked me for plays. Mrs. Kidd, you can Eat Crap!”

125. Same question except now it’s the MTV movie awards.

Chanel, not vintage, still taking Johnny, and the thank you speech would consist of “Whooo!! Where’s the Beer?”

126. Describe, in detail, you style or ability for meeting/picking up a member of the opposite sex in a metaphor using a professional sport of some kind.

I’m like a lineman. I look at you, tackle your ass, and make you wish you hadn’t shown up.

127. If you could be a Hollywood monster, or anything from a horror movie, which would you be?

The girl with the boobs that gets killed in the beginning.

128. If you were a King or Queen, what would be your royal colors? Fabric? –

Color: Purple

Fabric: High thread count cotton. It’s the best.

129. During the following years, where in the world, if anywhere, would you want to be for three days? Note: Safety is not guaranteed.

1942 - Hawaii

1902 - NYC

1863 - Rome

1777 – Hmm… Pittsburgh.

1532 – Rome

130. If you were to have something named after you, what would it be?

An alien species.

131. What problems or life-situations have you never been in, think you could handle, but still would like to avoid?

The End of the World. I’m good about remaining calm until it’s over.

132. If you could have one simple super-human ability that was simply cosmetic, what would you have? You know, like a really crappy member of the X-Men. –

I would be able to talk to animals.

134. If another man found Buddha’s enlightenment how far medically would you go to keep him alive past a natural age?

Does the guy have a Living Will? Because he should. I would not do anything to either prolong or shorten his lifespan. I would keep him comfortable and pain-free.

135. Which actor and which actress do you think get the least respect in Hollywood? -

Tara Reid for good reason, and Bob Saget, also for good reason.

136. Do you think that you can appear on a reality TV show and keep your dignity?… how about keep your dignity and win?

The moment you set foot on a reality TV set, you lose your dignity. But of course I would win, dignity or not.

137. If your friend asked you if he could throw a Taco, Beer, and Video Games Party at your house for nine of your friends and nine of his friends, would you let him?

Dude, that’s a great idea!

138. Which movie do you think is a more likely view of the future: The Road Warrior or Blade Runner? –

Blade Runner

139. What is the stupidest reason that you or someone you know has broken up with a boyfriend/girlfriend? –

Me: He raised his voice at me. Once.

Someone else: “He got ugly all the sudden”

140. Funniest thing that you have seen on CNN or FOX News in the last three months?

This Redneck guy out in the street cussing the marching Mexicans. This guy was outrageous, Mullet and all.

141. At this point most of the good ones are taken, so if you could have any email address, and domain name to boot, what would you have as your internet addy?

Vwk@asskickin.com

142. If you could guarantee one physical, one mental, and one spiritual quality about the person that you are going to eventually marry or are married to, what would those qualities be?

Physical: Able to protect me

Mental: Sound during adversity

Spiritual: Have a belief, and defend it no matter what.

143. What song lyric best describes…

…your current love interest? No one knows what its like…To be the bad man, to be the sad man…Behind blue eyes.
…your average weekend night-on-the-town? The party starts here, get in line! Beer thirty! a honky tonk time…

…your car? Benny and the Jets, the entire song.

…the city you currently live in? You treated me mean oh you treated me cruel…Chain, chain, chain, chain of fools

…your perspective on the next five years of your life? I need a phone call…I need a plane ride..I need a sunburn…I need a raincoat

…The President, Vice-President, and Secretary of Defense? OK, so it’s an entire song. By PJ, of course. Here you go.

they don’t eat, don’t sleep
they don’t feed, they don’t seethe
bare their gums when they moan and squeak
lick the dirt off a larger one’s feet
they don’t push, don’t crowd
congregate until they’re much too loud
fuck to procreate till they are dead
drink the blood of their so called best friend
they don’t scurry when something bigger comes their way
don’t pack themselves together and run as one
don’t shit where they’re not supposed to
don’t take what’s not theirs, they don’t compare
they don’t scam, don’t fight
don’t oppress an equals given rights
starve the poor so they can be well fed
line their holes with the dead ones bread
they don’t scurry when something bigger comes their way
don’t pack themselves together and run as one
don’t shit where they’re not supposed to
don’t take what’s not theirs, they don’t compare…
they don’t scurry when something bigger comes their way
don’t pack themselves together and run as one
don’t shit where they’re not supposed to
don’t take what’s not theirs, they don’t compare…
rats…they don’t compare
rats…they don’t compare

144. Besides hurting your family or friends, name three things that you wouldn’t do for 50 million dollars?

Torture someone, sell my soul, and tell George Bush I approve.

145. If you could change one event, meeting, or occurrence in you life, would you? And if so what would it be?

Yes, I wouldn’t have cut my bangs that time. This is my only regret.

The Daring and Challenging 5.

146. Explain your exit strategy for Iraq.

Send in The Hulkster, John Cena, and Flare. That would get ‘em.

Ok, seriously, here we go. First of all, I think Special Forces were grossly underused in this war. With better intelligence and a little patience, we could have already done the damn thing. But alas, we have a government that doesn’t think things through. I’m honestly not prepared to give you a timeline for all of this, nor do I have time to type all of it out in detail. I have thought about it, and it boils down to this:

Divide the shit up, and get the hell out.

Three different prevailing religions have three different viewpoints, and a lot of the same priorities. The regions around Iraq would make fantastic enforcers, and can govern in the Muslim Way much better than our “elected” Iraqi officials. We have tried for too long to impose our ideals upon them. This region is incapable of maintaining a true democracy. Theocratic rule is more along their lines. There will never be separation of church and state. That’s fine with me. If they’re fighting with each other, they aren’t fighting my friends.

148. In one word, what is the opposite of “sex”? Think about this one…

Abstinence. What is there to think about?

149. How do you think that History (generations that did not live under) will remember President George W. Bush.

43^rd President of the United States of America, George W. Bush was elected into office in 2001 by an Electoral College win. During his term in office, he led the American troops into battle in the Middle East with largely false intelligence. Before being elected, President Bush was a partner for a Major League Baseball team, an oil man, and son of George Bush, who served as President before him. Bush presided over the nation on September 11, 2001, during the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center. His wife, Laura Welch, was a former librarian and champion for education and literacy causes.

Written by Me, for future history books everywhere.

150. So you died and go to Heaven. St. Peter says, “Okay rookie, your dorm is down there with the rest of the newbies. You’re going to have to bunk up.” Turns out, for the first one hundred years in Heaven you have to share a room with another three souls. Keeping in mind that only people that have died in the last one hundred years are in this dormitory with you, who do you hope is your roommates?

First off, I get the top bunk. My roommates are as follows:

Princess Diana, Richard Pryor, and Jerry Garcia ( I think everybody gets to go to heaven.)