“I am not young enough to know everything”

I’m reading the paper this morning and as usual, I scan through the obituaries to see if I took care of anyone who died. I’m looking because if someone I took care of died, I need to make a mental note of that name because I don’t want to be sued later. However, something caught my eye this morning.

I know it isn’t a new trend. I’ve noticed before, but I haven’t really thought about it until now. Have you came across those “In Memoriam” things? I’ll give you an example, verbatim, from my newspaper. See below for exhibit A.

In Loving Memory

Jack W. Nasty

“Jackie”

02-08-1971 - 03-26-2000

(insert picture of dead guy here)

It has been five years since the lord called you home.

I still cry in silence for you, “My Son”, if only you could open your eyes one more time so you could see your children. Your daughters are growing into lovely young laides, our sons are very handsome “like you”.

All of your nieces and nephews think about you all the time “they miss their Uncle Jackie” we have to let go and look ahead, to leave the pass behind.

We all Love You

Mom, your children, Bill and Gloria, Steven and Hilda, Laura and all the kids, aunts & uncles, cousins & friends.

I wrote that word for word exactly from the newspapers, changing names only to protect the dead and the stupid. I have many problems with this thing.

1. The obvious: Dead people probably do not read The Arizona Republic. As much as you want to tak to Jack Nasty, I don’t think the newpaper is the proper avenue. Try spending that ad money on a Medium instead, or maybe go to one of those Mind Freak shows. The guy doesn’t even look like he knows how to read. Oh well, maybe next year he will pick up a copy and see the one you write him then.

2. Grammatical errors in Letter To A Dead Guy are not a good thing. The least you could do would be to have someone smarter than you read over it. Periods do not go outside quotation marks. By the way, there were no direct quotes in your letter, so you grossly misused punctuation as well. I won’t even talk about your errors in grammar. I’m the first one to admit I overuse commas like crazy, but Jesus. Come on. I guess if you are dumb enough to pay the newspaper to publish Letter To A Dead Guy, you are dumb enough to not understand sixth grade english.

3. Laura and all the kids? I wonder about this Laura character. Where is her husband, and how did she end up with “all the kids?”

4. If I die anytime soon, please do not write letters to me in the damned newspaper. Tie them to the foot of a white Dove. That’ll get it there sooner.

There are about three more of these in this newspaper alone. I think it may be the cool thing to do with your Dead Guy.

Back in my office there is this putrid smell. Mystery smell. I swear, Erin must have pooped in the corner or something. Nevermind that. We have more important things to discuss.

Mad Cow Disease isn’t that big of a deal. Let me explain to you why:

One in a million people develop Creutzfield-Jakob Disease (CJD) every year. This translates to one in about 350 Americans. 85% of cases are developed sporadically, with no ties to beef consumption. The next 15% of cases are familial, or inherited. Few cases are transmitted via medical procedures, and even fewer cases are transmitted from beef tainted with BSE (Mad Cow Disease).

There isn’t a treatment for it. 90% of people who get CJD die within one year (this was a suprise to me, I thought it took longer). Early symptoms are psychiatric appearing, with depression, inability to sleep, paranoia, and violent tendencies. Each human case of CJD varies, some people have few symptoms, some have many.

Sporadic cases of CJD usually set in at about 60 years of age. If it is inherited, the onset is earlier, but the patient lives longer. Finally, when you get it from beef, onset is younger, incubation is long (sometimes years) and psychiatric symptoms will always present first. Once symptoms onset, most die within weeks. Sweet.

So don’t worry about it. Don’t get worked up. Eat good beef, and you’ll be fine. Wimps.

One more thing (if you’ve read through my boring rant thus far). I found my daughter’s step-mother’s web page. Her hero is none other than Jenna Jameson. If she could meet anyone, it would be Marilyn Monroe, for “sex tips.” I shit you not. I am horrified that this woman interacts with my child. I mean, I knew the pot leaf tattoo on her back didn’t bode well, but Jesus. I guess I shouldn’t judge her too much. Or maybe I should.

Off to watch my NCAA picks stomp up… I hope.

PS: I also don’t have cancer. That’s good news.

Someone needs to help this guy out.

http://i43.photobucket.com/albums/e395/vjump/ninjas.jpg

Peace.

TOP 30 FACTS ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS -Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

-Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

-If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

-Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

-Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

-The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

-To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

-When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

-Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

-A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

-When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

-Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

-Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

-Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

-Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

-Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

-Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

-Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris

-A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

-Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

-If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

-Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

-As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

-Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

-The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

-Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”

-Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

-Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

San Diego is overrated. Beautiful, but dirty. Traffic is horrible. Don’t want to go back. I’ve got mixed feelings about Sea World. On one hand, they do all this research on aquatic animals and such.. on the other hand, they keep killer whales in cages. Did you know that the Budweiser Clydsdales are kept at Sea World? They were my daughters favorite animal during both trips to the zoo and to SeaWorld. Amazing, she didn’t care for the whales, elephants, or monkeys, but the horses were cool.

Speaking of monkeys… I saw some. I looked from way (waaayyy) back. Why people like these creatures is beyond me. They’re smart, quick, have opposable thumbs, and can flip me the bird. They aren’t endearing, or fun, or cool. They’re shit-throwing-ass-scratching-nit-eating assholes. Some of them have big teeth as well… and the red-asses were screeching as always.

So on the 20th I’ll find out if I have the big C or not. At first I was in shock, then scared, and now really just tired of it all. For a solid month, every day, I looked at my order for the MRI, and saw “rule out neoplasm” in the orders. I’ll be looking up my own results when I go to work, since I don’t have another appt with the neuro guy until April 26th. Is that ethical? I see no problem with it, but a few people do.

Lastly, my baby is now six years old. She’s lucky to have made it past two, with the raising she got. She has grown into this little person with her own ideas, and her own personality, and these facial expressions that come from within her… I couldn’t have asked for a better kid. We went to parent teacher conferences last Wednesday, and she is (again) performing above grade level in all subjects. I know that’ll go all to hell when she discovers the male species in a few years, so I’m enjoying it now.

I figured out on vacation how to make my digital camcorder work as a camera, so I’ll be posting some pictures soon. The whole vacation I rocked bus cop sunglasses, so the pictures will be hott.

Things I refuse to do, just because it isn’t right:

1. Fill out the “green sheet” at work.

2. Tell a woman who says “I’m fat” that they aren’t fat.

3. Drive in the far right lane.

4. Become Catholic.

5. Drink Budweiser.

In other news: I work at a Catholic hospital. Today was Ash Wednesday. All these people were walking around with this shit on their head…. and I’m wondering why, but not asking, because everyone was doing it. So finally I see the priest give one of my docs the ash… strange traditions these people. Catholicism is a beautiful religion, with all their rituals and repetitive prayers and so on… but that’s just the reason I can’t be Catholic at the same time. It seems almost witch-doctorish to me.

We’re going to ROCK sea world on spring break. I’ve gone from keg stands and cowboy hats to Shamu and Juice Boxes. Hmph.