“I am not young enough to know everything”

After suffering through a night at the ER with a battle worn friend, I’ve decided that I want to give some tips to those who may end up in an ER one night, be it for yourself or a family member.

1. The world of ER does not revolve around you. I am sorry that you are in pain, your arm is broken, or your mother fell down. However, the ER is not the place to come to get a sympathetic ear. We are busy.

2. Our definition of sick is not your definition of sick. If a member of the ER staff says that someone is sick, it means that they are in the process of DYING. They have had a massive stroke, are bleeding out, having a heart attack, or shot. We don’t consider a kidney stone sick. Painful, yes. Sick, no.  

2. At any given time, one nurse has four patients. One doctor has up to 15. There is a law (similar to Murphy’s) in the ER. If you have four patients:

One of them will be sick (see #2 for definition)

One of them will be whining constantly

One of them will be homeless

and one of them will be the delightful patient.

Don’t be the whiner. Please.

3. Physicians and nurses are not waiters. We are not customer service representatives. This is not McDonalds, and you very well may NOT have it your way. Our job is to save your life, or at least make you feel better. If you want a pillow, two blankets, the lights dimmed, and the TV on channel 14, go to the Ramada.

4. If you have one of the three, go to your own doctor in the morning:

A migraine

The flu

A stomach virus

5. If your child has a fever, you had damn well better give it tylenol before coming in. Do NOT let the fever remain high just so I will believe the child has a fever. Do you want your child to have a seizure? Do you?

6. We have priorities. We understand that you have been waiting for two hours in the waiting room. If you don’t want to wait, make an appointment with a doctor. The little old lady that just walked in looking OK to you is probably having a massive heart attack. That’s why she goes first.

7. Do not ask us how long it will be. We don’t know. I don’t know what’s coming through my door 30 seconds from now… so I sure as hell don’t know when you’ll be getting a room upstairs.

8. We are not for primary care. Get a family doctor, and go see them.

9. If you have diabetes and do not control it, you are committing slow suicide.

10. We know how many times you’ve been to an ER. We can usually tell if you are faking it on the first 5 seconds of talking to you. Do not lie to us. If you lie about one thing, we will assume you are lying about everything. You don’t want that.

11. If you are well enough to complain about the wait, you are well enough to go home.

12. If your mother is a patient and we ask her a question, let her answer it.

13. If you see someone pushing a big cart down the hall at full speed and you hear bells going off…. do not ask for a cup of coffee. Someone is dying, you inconsiderate asshole. In the ER, bells don’t ring for nothing. Sit down, shut up, and let us work.

14. If you have any sort of stomach pain and you ask for something to eat, you are not sick.

15. If you can bitch about the blood pressure cuff being too tight, or the IV needle hurting, you are not in that much pain.

16. If you want to get something, be nice. I will go out of my way to piss off rude people.

17. Do not talk shit about the other members of staff I work with. The doctor that you hate? I work with him every day, and I know that he knows what he is doing. I trust him a lot more than I trust you. I am not here to be your friend, and neither is he. I will tell him what you said, and we will laugh about it. If you want a buddy, go somewhere else.

18. Every time I ask you a question, I learn more about what is wrong with you. I don’t care if I ask you what day it is four different times. Each time I ask, it is for a reason. Just answer the questions, regardless of if you have answered them before.

19. Do not utter the words “It’s in my chart.” I don’t have your chart, and I don’t have the time to call and get it. Just tell me.

20. Do not bring your entire posse with you. One person at the bedside is all you need. It is really difficult to get around seven people in the event that you are really sick.

1) What stickers do you have on your car? Registration sticker, and the OU College of Nursing thing. I once had a sticker that said “orgasm donor” but I got rid of that one when I grew up a little. 2) What posters do you have in your room? I have some pictures… of flowers… and one of a dead girl tied up in the water.. she has a halo over her head. I’m for real here. It’s called Le Jeune Martytre. Creepy and pretty at the same time. 4) If you could drink anything right this second, what would it be? Diet DP. What can I say.. it’s noon, and I can’t drink before 5. 5) Does anything hurt on your body right now? My head, but what’s fucking new? I get upset about this now… I once cried and whined.. now it just pisses me off. 7) Whats your job position called? Registered Nurse- Emergency Department What size ring do you wear? 5.25 on my ring finger. I have dainty fingers. 9) Do you own a camera phone? I own one but I do not use it. It is forever locked away in the drawer of shitty things. 10) When’s your birthday? June 8, 1982 11) What was your elementary school’s mascot? Tiger, although I WISH it was a Pirate. 12) Whats your favorite bottled water? Good Lord just get it out of the damned faucet. Prissy yuppie turds. 13) What’s the next concert/show you’re going to and when? Some friends at work invited me to Flogging Molly for St. Patricks Day. Don’t know if I’m going or not. 14) What were you doing at 9 pm last night? Trying to get an IV on an 18 month old little girl who was seizing, therefore couldn’t be still. 15) Whats your favorite Starbucks drink? Green Tea Latte Frappuccino, but that’s only a summer drink. At this time of year, it’s the caramel macchiatto. 16) Do you exercise as much as you should? If you saw how full my trunk is getting, you would know the answer to this. 17) Did you attend your High School prom? Yeah, all four years (we went 9-12) 18) Did you attend someone else’s? 2 out of four were someone else’s. 1: James’… the ex husband. 2: Clyde, who I had a lot of fun with. 3. Nathan Baily, although I really wanted to go with Joe Pierce. I ended up dancing with him all night anyways. 4: Back with James. My prom though. Idiot I was. 19) Would you give your bf/gf a second chance if they cheated on you? No. At this point, I trust him more than anyone I’ve ever trusted… if he let me down now, I would more than likely kill him. *SOME STRANGE QUESTIONS*: 20) Something red within 5 feet of you? The lovenox post-it pad. 21) Your last bag of chips? Shlotskys (don’t you love my spelling) Sour Cream and Onion. 22) The weirdest thing you’ve seen this week? That dude who’s prosthetic eye popped out of his head. That was sweet. 23) Ever done the Electric Slide? Yes. It happens when I am drunk, and I am ashamed. 24) How much French do you know? I said Le Jeune Martyre earlier didn’t I? 25) Sparkly things? I want some more diamonds. They cause seizures in some people though. 26) Ever crash a car, been in accidents? Not really… I ran into a trash can once, and a basketball goal.. but they were more scrapes than crashes. 27) Do you look good in yellow? Heavens No. Does Anyone? 28) Do you sing? about 45% of my day is singing. 29) Ever sang in front of a crowd? Regretfully, yes. 30) Do you dance? about 10% of my usual day is dancing. 32) Least favorite color? The color of Iodine. Maybe that color is Iodine? 33) Favorite kind of pizza? Papa John’s kicks arse. 34) Ever had Dippin Dots? yes, my daughter loves them. 35) Ever make fun of a homeless person? Of Course! I love making fun of the disadvantaged. 36) How old were you when you got a cell phone? 18 37) How old were you when you got your first car? 16 38) How many driving tickets do you have? I just paid off that one I got eight months or so ago. 40) How many parking tickets? What? Ohhh.. probably about 30 thousand. Especially from the Cameron Grass Cop Brigade. 41) Do you own your own car? Half me, half the bank. 42) Do you want to get married? At this point, I don’t care so much. If anything ever happened to Shane, then no, I would never marry. 43) At what age do you want to get married? Whatever. 44) Have you ever been married? Yeah to the King Of All Lazyasses 45) Have you ever received a restraining order? No. Not that psycho. 46) At what age do you want to have kids? See the last blog. 47) How many kids? I think I want like, three. That sounds good. 48) Ketchup or Mustard? Ketchup. 49) When is the last time someone deleted you from their Myspace list? They better not have deleted me! K-Fed deleted my comment though. I told him how bad he sucked. 50) How many times a week are you on Myspace? Every other day or so. 51) Ever been kicked out of your home? No. My parents weren’t like that. They were more of the “I’ll keep you around and make you feel like shit” persuasion. 52) Favorite character on Friends? Fuck Friends. Stupid ass show. 53) Ever eat Spam? I love Spam! 54) Have a crush on a teacher? hell yeah 55) Favorite store? Express, Hollister 56) Have a best friend? nope 57) Have a crush? yep, but I have her too 58) If you could have anything right now what would it be? A good hummer and ten million bucks

My sister’s due date is October 17th, and at first, I was seriously unhappy about this whole sister having a kid thing. It’s really growing on me though. I’m going to go get her some crib bedding tonight, and a lot of other stuff. You see, I want to have more children, but there are some things standing in the way of that.

1. I’m seriously considering going back to school for an MD or at least a PhD degree, and if I do that, kids are not in my cards.

2. I am not married. One should probably be married before having children.

3. I really, seriously, do not want to get a fatter ass than the one I am currently rocking.

4. Chemo and babies do not mix, should I have cancer.

My sister’s picks of names are awful. AWFUL. If she has a boy, her and her tatooed-strange-looking-boyfriend want to name the kid…. drumroll…… Cain.

Yes, as in Cain killed Abel. I shit you not. She wants to name her kid after the first murderer on earth. It has been proven that a name guides who a person is… it is an integral part of their identity…. and she apparently wants her bouncing baby boy to slaughter people. I forget the name she picked out for the girl, but it wasn’t as bad as Cain. Nothing is as bad as Cain.

I told her to name the kid something normal…. like William. That’s a good, strong name.

I thought that she would be a good mom. I still think she will.. if she can get past this whole name thing. I’m excited for her to have it. I’m gonna fly back and all that. I’ll be an aunt! Sweet!

I watched like, the first five minutes, Kanye West, and then the last five minutes. I think Madonna is old and sucky. I think she is too big for her britches (or lack thereof) because she wouldn’t perform unless she got to go before Mariah.

I understand that she’s been around since the time before Sigourney Weaver… but Jesus. She wore none other than a purple one piece bathing suit and a corset. I shit you not. The lady is like, sixty. That is not her face, those are not her boobs, and that is surely not her stomach. I was sickened, until I saw Bono. The guy wore a cowboy hat. To the Grammys. Idiot.

Kanye and Jaime Foxx had a sweet ass performance, and so did the Gorillaz. Mimi wasn’t so bad, although I do not believe that is really Mariah Carey’s face either. Something happened to her cheecks.

Queen Latifah… wow. She was in full Pirate Regale. I want an outfit like that.

And I’ve got to say one more time… I hate Green Day. Hate. They were wearing more makeup than their dates, and that’s a lot of makeup. And there is no way their shit should have beaten anyone else’s. Not even Mimi’s. The guy had on a glitter belt for God sake.

Who does that?

My sister is pregnant, and my daughter is a compulsive liar.

For those of you who know my sister, this is not good news. She is a nut, and I am frightened for the little dude in her stomach. I told her that she should birth it and then give it to me. I want one.

Also, the kid lies, all the time, about everything. Even when I know she’s lying, and she knows that I know…. she’ll still do it. It’s really funny, but I can’t laugh about it when she’s doing it, because that will reinforce the behavior. The latest lie was about the daycare lady making her cry in the bathroom. Daycare lady almost got her ass kicked by none other than myself. Luckily I thought to ask Becca if daycare lady really did all those mean things, or if Bec had taken some liberties with the story.

It’s not for attention, I think it’s more for sport. Erin, Shane, and myself long ago coined the phrase “extreme lying.” I had one girl convinced that I was born in Somalia… mostly telling the biggest, most outrageous lies just to see if someone would believe us. Erin got a good one with the pizza guy a few times… telling him the check wouldn’t bounce. Ha!

I’m going to go to the store and get a six pack now. Tom and Katie are coming over for dinner, and I have to be a little boozed to handle their antics.

I have never been a fan of watching the State of the Union, mostly because it is a President throwing out some things that sound like good ideas, and then not following up on them (be it through congress, or whatever). But I keep watching. Now that I work in a hospital, I realize that physicans only get remimbursed 60% of what it costs them to provide care to Medicare patients. I see so many men, women, and especially children who come in entirely too sick, because they couldn’t get health insurance. I see abuse of the system… people coming to an ER for a snotty nose because they know that they don’t have to pay for it…

So I watched to see if maybe he had a plan, or maybe he would follow up to what he said last year. He doesn’t, and he didn’t. No one did anything about medical liability reform. No one did shit about raising Medicare reimbursement rates. President Bush stated the following:

“For all Americans, we must confront the rising cost of care, strengthen the doctor-patient relationship and help people afford the insurance coverage they need. We will make wider use of electronic records and other health information technology, to help control costs and reduce dangerous medical errors.”

How, sir, will you manage that? You can’t manage to keep your staff out of jail, much less implement medical records. Do you know how much that costs? Where is that money coming from? The 140 “poorly performing” government programs that you are going to cut?

And then he goes there. He goes to education. He says a bunch of shit that he will never do. He wants to bring 70,000 teachers in to teach AP math and science courses. How about you teach kids how to fucking read before you worry about AP calculus? Where are you going to find these “highly qualified mathemeticians and scientists” that will work for less than 30,000 a year?

I won’t even go there with the whole embryo-stem-cell-outlaw-thing he talked about. That would take all day.

He wants to give all those poor black folk medicines for HIV/AIDS… but he declines to say how the hell these people are going to pay for these medicines…. and he wants Black-American churches to test their members for AIDS. He forgets that heterosexual females are the fastest growing group with AIDS. And I guess he forgets about the GLB population too… Why in the hell would you turn over AIDS testing to faith-based groups???? Because if I think I have AIDS, the first place I’m going is a church. Jesus.

I guess I don’t mind his whole spill on the War. I’ve always agreed with him on the whole supporting the troops and democracy thing… I just wish he would pull his head out of his ass when it comes to every single other issue.