“I am not young enough to know everything”

I keep trying to blog about something else, but I really can’t. I’ve typed at least three different paragraphs, each about something interesting or stupid that happened to me. When I started this blog, it was as a release…. Don’t read ahead if you are in any sort of good mood.

I can’t really talk about the mundane today. It just doesn’t feel right.

Bottom line is this: my job is tough. I love it, I can’t imagine doing anything else…. but I’m having a hard time.

Two people had heart attacks, and we saved them both. One was dead when she came in, and we got her back. The other was (barely) alive when he hit the door. Right as we get him on the cardiac cath table, he codes. We get him back too. If you’ve never saved a life, I highly encourage you to do so. The feeling is amazing.

And then comes the tragedy. Then a kid comes in and we can’t save him. I had to hold his mother’s hand while she watched everyone try. I had to explain to her why his chest looked caved in when we did compressions, and why there was blood coming out of his endotracheal tube. I gave her tissues when she cried, and I had to tell her that nothing we were doing was working. The kid was 15. He had asthma. That’s it. Just asthma.

I got really smashed on Thanksgiving night, and I really let it all out. I take it personally every time someone isn’t saved…. and I shouldn’t, because if I do, I won’t last long. The strange thing is…. It bothers me more every time. Most say that you get more numb every time. I think it hurts me more with each one.

I don’t know why I can save a 95 year old woman, but not a kid. I don’t know why the people who are evil get to go on and abuse others, while the nice guys get cancer. People say when I get to heaven, I’ll be able to ask God why. I can tell you right now, whatever answer he gives isn’t going to be good enough. I know life isn’t fair, but Jesus Christ…… it was just asthma.

I have to work my ass off every day to save people that don’t want to be saved. I take care of drug abusers, overdoses, gang violence, domestic abuse…. but I can’t save the kid with asthma. Just asthma.

I could have lived my whole life without hearing the sorrow and hopelessness in that mother’s cries. It hurts more every time. Then, after all I went through, I had to go to the next room and get the lawyer patient a cup of coffee. And he was pissed because it took me so long. I broke the rules. I told him that one of my pediatric patients had just died a painful death, and I was in the next room doing everything I could to save his life, and I’m sorry if his coffee was lower on my priority list than a dying child.

He shut up.

Last night, I had finished off an entire bottle of wine, and we watched Farenheight 9/11. Needless to say, when I am drunk, I shouldn’t mix Michael “Steve Brunner” Moore and politics together.

 So we got to talking, first of about the merits and problems with the Patriot Act, and then the conversation eventually rolled around to the merits and problems with having a woman president.

You can probably guess by my previous post where this discussion went. That Guy thinks that women are not fit to run a nation. He thinks women are too emotional, and are not able to see “the big picture.” He asked me if I would have wanted a woman in office during the Cuban Missle Crisis.

I love that guy, I really do. No matter what his political beliefs (as ignorant as I think they are), he is the coolest guy I’ve ever known. He thinks my political beliefs are ignorant as well. Some things we agree on, and most things we don’t. That’s why it’s fun. I love the fact that I can argue like hell with him, and he doesn’t bend. I respect that even though some of his beliefs are dumb, he sticks to them.

Now, I have a few points.

1. Would it be acceptable to tell an African American that they aren’t fit for the job? What about telling a Jewish man the same? Then WHY is it OK to tell a woman this? So many men are quick to disguise and cover up their ignorant racism, while believing it socially acceptable to stereotype and judge women. Feminism originated because women felt everyone deserved equality. If the woman achieved equality, then everyone else would soon follow.

2. “I will feel equality has arrived when we can elect to office women who are as incompetent as some of the men who are already there.”~ Maureen Reagan. These are my sentiments exactly. Of course there will be incompetent women. How would you men like it if you were judged by the actions of George Bush?

If there is one thing that ties all race, sex, ethnicity, and religion together, it is the fact that there are idiots among us all.

3. There is no “female brain.” The brain is not gendered, nor is the liver, stomach, or heart, lungs, kidneys, spleen, or pancreas. This is a fact, not an opinion.

4. Yes, I would have wanted a woman in the Bay of Pigs. We wouldn’t have gotten to the crisis in the first place. Yes, I would have wanted a woman on 9/11. Yes, I would have wanted a woman during Hurricane Katrina, Vietnam, and the first Iraq. Yes.

I’m done with this, because I’m a little hungover. Have a productive day.

who think women can’t do shit…..

Screw off.

One of these days, you’ll realize that your penis does not give you special abilities. You are no better, you are not someone who knows more, you are not the shit. There are women who are smarter, funnier, and better than you. Live with it.

There are women that can run a nation better than a man. There are women who know more. There are women who would eat you for lunch.

My daughter will realize this, and she will kick your son’s ass. I guarantee it.

Is it really that time already? Thanksgiving isn’t much of a giant deal to me. I figure one should be thankful on most days…. why do we have a special day?

What I am looking forward to, however, is the wine. Since I’ve quit smoking, I can’t exactly drink the “Steve Brunner” of beers anymore, because that is what I drank when I smoked, and I would want to smoke if I drank one. Now I drink wine…. and I’ve drank quite a bit the past few days. I did make what seems to have been a huge wine mistake though…. I got the Ernest and Julio Gallo kind for home, which tastes like someone pissed on a watermelon. I’m a fan of the blushes, specifically this one called a Reisling. That’s good wine.

 I now know what makes the homeless people homeless. It’s one of two things.

1. You are mentally ill.

I am sorry that our mental health care system sucks. I feel bad for these people. They want to try, but their illness is viewed as a choice, and not an illness.

2. You are a raging asshole.

I am SICK of the people who have the least being the biggest dicks. If you are homeless, be happy that you got one pillow and a glass of water. I will NOT get you three pillows, warm blankets, and a cup of coffee. I don’t have time to do that for ANYONE, not even the lawyers from Scottsdale. Don’t be an asshole. Just. Don’t. These people are homeless because they don’t have the social skills to keep a job, family, or home. They do drugs. They are selfish, and they are draining our healthcare system. You want to see an alternative to rising healthcare costs? Let me kick these people in the ass a few times, and let’s all stop paying their medical bills. There are two patients that I see EVERY DAY. In an emergency room. Because they want attention…. someone to talk to. Every time I treat one of these fucks, it costs our government $3000. Do you know why it costs that much? Because of the people who don’t even have (or are too lazy to apply for) government insurance, and just walk out of their bill. Because of the HMOs that scrutinize every single test ordered, and deny people claims. THAT is why it costs so much to go to the doctor. These people are scum.

This guy got assaulted yesterday because he was being an asshole to another homeless guy (the crazy variety). Since his shoes and pants were wet, I gave him new clothes. NEW shoes, socks, shirt, pullover sweater, and pants. Do you know what this guy had the audacity to do? He bitched because the pullover sweater wasn’t a jacket. He bitched because I didn’t have a belt for him. He bitched because he had to go back into the streets “looking like this.” I called security, who kindly escorted him right back out to where he belongs: IN A BOX. Every second I have to spend with pricks like this take away from the time I could be spending with your sick grandmother or child. Every second I spend with these people ruins a second for someone who really did need me. They are thieves of time, money, and healthcare, and I am sick of them. Now I must go back to work and act like I want to take care of these people. It really is a shame.

So I’ve heard from a somewhat unreliable source that ninjas may be in “attendance” at my pirate wedding. It has only been speculation thus far, however, I would like to warn all said ninjas and ninja enthusiasts that all pirates will be instructed to shoot anyone remotely looking or flipping out like a ninja.

Not that I don’t appreciate ninjas. I understand the ninja community may be jealous that I’ve chosen pirates instead. Ninjas do tend to totally flip out over stupid things. I feel that pirates are more romantic than ninjas, so I will be married among them. Maybe a ninja reception would be nice. I have heard that ninjas enjoy drinking.

Be warned, ninja. Beware.

I can’t get enough here lately. Thank God for Itunes. I’m enjoying immensely the fact that I no longer have to pay $20+ dollars for a CD that kinda sucks, but has one or two kickin songs. I will gladly pay .99 for a song. No problem.

For a while, all we listened to at the nurses station was Chemical Brothers and the like. This guy would turn it on his computer. As you can probably tell by knowing ANYthing about me, you know I’m not a Chemical Brothers type of gal. It got old quick, so one of the dudes I work with rebelled.

 Now Nick brings his Ipod, and hooks it up to these speakers, and we jam in the MD office to blues, jazz, Jack Johnson, and a few 80’s tunes he got for the nurses. It makes the work day so much nicer. What’s great is when they both work, and they both crank up their respective music. They don’t like each other, and it shows in the volume of their music. Louis Armstrong vs. Chemical Brothers. It’s funny to me how grown ass professional men still have cock fights. I guess grown women do too. It’s not really a sex issue.

So I asked Shane about the Christmas party, and I think it’s off, because he isn’t exactly a tux kinda guy. I can’t blame him… but they have a martini LUGE for crying out loud. A LUGE. Formal attire required, as it should be when there is a LUGE of martini present. I was hoping to go in something red and strapless, and sip on cosmopolitans all night while listening to Jazz music and watching my coworkers get sloshed. Doesn’t that sound fantastic? I submit that it does.

Off I go. I’ve just heard Willie Nelson, Sublime, Pearl Jam, and Whitesnake all in a row, and I’m too pumped to type. I hope all of you rock on particularly hard today. I sure as shit will.

 

Rather than go to work today, I just want to go to some dive bar,  listen to sad music, smoke (even though I quit), and drink a LOT of beer.

But instead, I’m going to go to work. I really don’t have much to cry about, that I know of. I’ve realized that I may be the type to supress my stuff after speaking with Shane the other day. I always thought I was just easy-going. It’s funny how much you can realize about yourself just driving to work and back. I feel lost. Maybe it’s all the sick ass people I saw for the past three days, dying all around me. It kinda makes you feel small.

I’m going down to El Dorado street now, to have me some Pioneer chicken.

So I wasn’t approved for my vacation time (which I expected). This means there will be no pirate (or other) wedding as of yet. I think we have to take the cowboy to the hospital now, and it’s 4am, so I’m off to where I just damned came from.

Today begins a full five days in a row of working my arse off. I’ve only previously worked three days in a row, so maybe five won’t hurt too much more. I’m actually somewhat glad to be going back to work, because my job pretty much rocks. My home doesn’t feel much like a home these days, it’s more of an extension of work. That should soon change. I do miss my peace.

It’s that time of year where I don’t really sleep… it comes around every time the weather starts turning. In Phoenix, I was hoping it wouldn’t happen, because I didn’t think the weather really turned. It does. It’s some strange serotonin thing I think… I wake up during the night constantly, and stare off into space. I go for runs late at night, and I wake up early. When I do sleep, I have the strangest dreams….

I guess now is a good time for me to go back to work, considering I’m not going to sleep either way.

Now I’m off to try and make a difference in the world…. save lives, change lives, and be compassionate. Riiigght. Really I’ll just get my mental ass kicked. Do I have a mental ass? Ha! I do now!

I do think the admin is in talks with having Trauma: Life in the ER come and do a show here. Keep your fingers crossed, I really want to be the semi-hot-nurse-running-down-the-hall-with-the-stretcher-on-national-TV. Or at least be in the background every now and then. I work with a LOT of hot nurses. Back in Lawton, most of them were….. um…… homely… Here, they’re all babes. I’m concerned about this because Trauma always picks either the hot nurse or the old, wise nurse to be featured.  I will be neither in this place.

Everyone have fun this weekend. Erin, drink one (or seven) for me in Mexico. I do expect a stupid chatchki when you return.