“I am not young enough to know everything”

So my mother in law passed away earlier this week, and her funeral was yesterday. With all of this time on my hands sitting around in Lawton, I’ve gotten to thinking about funeral planning. I’ve decided to plan my funeral in advance. It was pretty rough to see the process of funeral planning. Funerals aren’t something that most people talk about. Even though my father was an undertaker for the majority of my childhood, we didn’t really ever talk about it either. So here it goes, on my blog. That way if no one survives me, Joe P. Diggins from South Carolina will be equipped to plan my funeral.

1. I want everything encased in my body to be donated to science, except for my eyes. I’m not sure if you can specify where particularly you would like your organs to go… if so, I would like the good stuff to go into other people, and the bad stuff to go for research.

2. Cremate me. Burial vs. Cremation was a tough decision. I want to be cremated so my children will have to dust my box off. I think that’s funny, and I want to continue to be somewhat of a nuisance even in my death. After my kids get sick of having me around, I want to be spread on Coca Cola Ranch Road in Jacksboro. I had a lot of beers there, and that would be a great final resting place. I’m serious about all of this, mind you. Take note.

3. Publish my obituary BEFORE my funeral. I want it to talk about what I did with my life, in some detail. I want it to really let people know that I had a good time rockin’ the earth while I was here. I don’t want the boring one, I would like an abbreviated life story… something similar to what follows.

Valerie Jump-_______

Born 6/8/1982 Died __________

Valerie was born to Mike and Debra Jump, two country folks from Jacksboro, Texas. She grew up in the country, and had a good time throughout school. As a child she was somewhat of a nerd, reading books and hardly watching TV. In her teenage years, she was quite the night owl, and had a good time with all.

In 2000, Valerie did two big things. She began her college education at Cameron University in Lawton, Oklahoma (don’t ask why) and birthed the most beautiful child that ever walked the face of the earth, Miss (or Mrs.) Rebecca Morris-______. This child grew up to be even more beautiful as an adult, and now lives in ________.

In 2005, she finally graduated from the University of Oklahoma with a bachelors degree in nursing. She then moved with her sweetheart, Mr. Shane Austin, to Phoenix, Arizona where she worked in the Emergency Room as a Registered Nurse saving lives (or at least trying). Valerie and Shane went on to get married and have ___ more beautiful babies, who grew up to be _____.

(insert rest of life here)

Other than her family and nursing, Valerie loved her friends, Risk, Office Space, and the occasional Coors Light. She volunteered some, and hoped to be remembered by the works she has done on this earth. She was a republican until Bush Jr. came along, and she had a list of 100 things to do with her life. She accomplished (number of things on list I accomplished) of these things.

4. Don’t play Amazing Grace. If you do, I will come out of my urn and haunt your ass. I mean it.

5. Come to think of it, play the following:

Delta Dawn: Tanya Tucker

When I Die: also the lovely Tanya Tucker

Go Rest High on the Mountain: Vince Gill (no one else)

Something by Coldplay

A few songs from Allison Kraus (she’s goooood)

6. Don’t you dare put me in scrubs for my funeral. I don’t care if you have my body there or my ashes. If you choose to have my body there, I will roll over if I am in scrubs. Don’t. Put me in something kind of cheap instead. Buy some Chanel for my daughter, and go to JC Penney for me. They cut those clothes anyways. I don’t need frills. Make it RED. YES!! RED! A red getup. Sweet.

7. Have lots of pictures at the funeral. Fun pictures. Good pictures.

8. Speaking of the funeral… I don’t want a preacher preachin. I want everyone who is very close to me (probably three or so people) to speak about me. Tell it like it is. Don’t be making up stuff, saying sweet remarks and junk. Tell it like it is. Make it at least a little fun. I hate that depressing stuff, when the person wasn’t at all depressing. Funerals shouldn’t be like that, and I’ve been to very few that were actual celebrations… but they should be.

OK I’m tired of typing. This gets the basics down. Hopefully you won’t have to worry about this for the next 70 years, but you may. And now you know.

Valerie

Very tough. Gotta think fast. (It takes about 30 seconds).

http://www.njagyouth.org/colortest.swf

I got 13% four times, and then finally 100%

Martha Stewart is out of jail, off the house arrest, and coming back in full force. The Apprentice (Martha-style) starts next Wednesday.

I’ve always been a huge fan of the Martha. I think the woman is a genious both financially and in the ktchen/garden. I admire her don’t-take-crap-from-no-one attitude, and her business savvy.

This is the woman that had to wear a house arrest anklet, and showed it off on national TV. She’s never been ashamed of herself, and she seems to be a woman that would be successful in anything she chose to do. Good for me it was being a housewife-shark. I get to watch her shows and admire the awesome cooking/gardening/decorating/homemaking things she does.

I’m excited. I watched her show the other day (Marcia Cross was on, yay!) and she seems to have developed one thing she lacked… a sense of humor. I believe I do a great Martha impersonation… monotoned, nothing is funny…. but now, she laughs. Maybe she took some acting classes.

Speaking of Marcia Cross… it’s almost time for the new season of DH!

Svelt. TV watching and underwear sitting is what I do best.

Since it is one in the morning, and I cannot sleep, I have found myself very interested in Ron Popiel Again.

You know, from Ronco?

The guy that sold the knives, and the kitchen gadgets? I think his most famous creation was the salad shooter. Amazing on Television, but not so much at home. My ex husband had one. He said that it really did shoot the salad. He said it was great. He said he was glad that he called during the “next ten minutes” because he got two for one!

I said a few things. I asked him when in his life did he ever eat salad? On top of that, when did he ever have a need to make (or shoot) salad anywhere? Thirdly, what in the hell made him think he would need two?

When I discovered the salad shooter at his house, its home was on top of the fridge. It was dusty, and had about a million pieces. He never used the damn thing. Not once. I attempted that night to make a salad, mainly because I didn’t want him to have to pay the $29.95 and never use the (not one, but TWO) salad shooters. I attempted to put it together, to no avail. I used a knife that night to slice things up, and although it wasn’t as entertaining as shooting salad, it got the job done, and I had a nice salad, cucumbers and everything.

I have always coveted the miracle blade. When I was younger, I had my eye on them, because they would cut up a coke can, slice through a bone, and do your laundry, all while simultaneously chopping the shit out of what ever vegetable you were enraged at. All the people on TV loved it. They all came back to see Popiel and give him more money, because they just HAD to have another knife set for the _______.(insert: guest house, friends wedding gift, husband stabbing) I thought that it was cool that he could toss a silk scarf in the air, and when it landed on the miracle blade, it would be sliced in two within a second. Now that, my friend, is a knife. I wanted one. I never got one. Maybe someday I will. They have a lifetime warranty, so it would be worth the 39.95.

Then I got older. I discovered the chopper. Mind you, I have the real deal, the KING of all choppers. I got mine from Pampered Chef. Those people are amazing. The stuff is more expensive, but it was worth it. My chopper has outlasted all of your choppers. Granted, I use it for two things: spaghetti sauce and beef stew. It was $40. That’s quite a chunk of change. I want more things from Pampered Chef, but I simply cannot afford them. I would like to try their bakeware. It looks fantastic.

So I have the chopper. If I could just get a miracle blade set, I would be the cutting champion of the Western United States. The salad shooter would have nothing on me.

It seems as if Chef Tony has taken over the miracle blade. Maybe he was always the one. Popiel just sticks out. He is the king.

See www.miracleblade.com

Buy me one while you are there.They cut through coke cans.

The current man bought the walk-fits. He says they make is feet feel better where the used to hurt, but now the pain has moved somewhere else.

My daughter wants the digi-draw. Check them all out at www.seenontv.com.

Remember the topsy tail? where you could flip your ponytail through (drumroll) Itself! and then you had the cool hairstyle. Yeah I was poor, so I learned how to do that without the topsy tail.

Have you ever bought an infomercial product? Did you like it? Which one do you have your eye on? Don’t lie. There’s gotta be one product that you are in love with. What is it?

1. Camping

2. Drinking Coors Light

3. Reading a good book

4. Making Whoopee

5. Talking to my mom

6. Eating great cake (carrot cake is appealing this month)

7. Listening to someone play guitar live (probably Jack White at this moment)

8. Watching Office Space

9. Going for a walk in the woods

10. Tubing the Salt (or any other similar river with cooler and friends in tow)

11. Making Money

12. Going Shopping

13. Sitting on a sofa instead of a friggin lawn chair

14. Dirt roadin’

15. Exploring a cave

16. Helping in N’Awlins

17. Fishing

18. Visiting with friends I miss

19. Hugging someone

20. Gardening (even if it doesn’t grow)

Bush now gets two appointees, and this worries me. Rehnquist is gone, and I have to say that even though I knew he had cancer, I didn’t expect it. He was just someone who has always been around. I was four years old when he became chief justice. It will be strange to hear someone else’s name with that title.

$52.00 scrolled up on the pump when all was said and done. Shane physically bent over for the pump, and I watched in horror from the passenger side as Exxon proceeded to rape us both simultaneously. It hurt, to say the least. Being an oil-based economy, it looks as though we may be in for some trouble.

We are the country that sends aid to others… Even Fidel Castro has offered his assistance in the form of physicians, and two tons of medical supplies. I wish so very much that I could go. I should be there doing something, anything to help these poor people. The Red Cross isn’t allowed to go into downtown New Orleans because of the danger of murder, rape, and looting. These people have been waiting for relief to come, and have seen none. I hope to never see anything else like this. We’ve been hit now twice, from terror and from mother nature. In only five years… two events that will shape the way this nation conducts itself from now on have happened. There are many things going on in New Orleans that smell fishy to me. Although no disaster drill could really prepare for such a thing, it’s a shame that those povert, ill, young, and aged weren’t evacuated. Where was our government? Why did we do so little to prevent, and why are we only now doing something to help?

If one good thing has came out of this, it is that Cindy Sheehan is no longer on the news. Time was up for her 15 minutes, thank God.

My mother was able to get in touch with the cajun friends. They are well, meaning that they have their lives, each other, and their homes. I’m a bleeding heart for these people.

Maybe it’s just me and my pessimism, but it seems that our nation is falling apart. I know we will recover, and be better for it…. I just don’t see when.