“I am not young enough to know everything”

Internet has finally arrived on Meadowbrook! Furniture hasn’t. Boo.

So I had a lot of things I wanted to blog about. Now I don’t want to blog about them, because they are outdated, and not stylish this season. I do have a list of patients I saw in ONE day of work. I love my job!!!

1. Boy who stupidly reached under a lawnmower (yes, running lawnmower). He is now short three fingers

2. Spider bite gone wrong… no flesh down to the bone of this guys leg.

3. I’m a Nurse Practitioner…. no wait. I really am just a crazy lady who wants to act like I know everything.

4. Naked man in hallway dancing. Yes! (not a cute man. an old, old one. boo.)

5. A dude with a sunburn. (please don’t go to the ER for a sunburn. ever. not even if it REALLY hurts.) Maybe if your skin is dead to the bone and blistering… in that case, I might forgive you.

6. The “give-me-dilaudid-now-or-I-will-not-leave” woman.

Fun stuff! Also, George Bushie (elder) has a picture up on the wall. Turns out he has been seen in the ED. Ha. His son is a fartknocker. He is on the news now trying to get kids to enlist for his war. Riiiiiggghttt. I’ll do that now. Ha.

I absolutely have to tell the blogging world (and every waitress, realtor, and bum on the street) what happened to me.

I rolled into Las Cruces, and I blogged that night. The next day I rose out of bed and began my travel. Uneventful… until the shooting.

Two miles before the Arizona border, I’m driving along I-10 Westbound. A red chevy zooms past me, and also passes the truck (semi) in front of me. He then cuts off the truck, nearly causing a wreck (that would have killed me). The truck (semi) has to whip over into the left lane. I brake and get far away, because I want no part of a semi. As I am driving behind these two, I hear a noise like the truck blew a tire. I look up to investigate. I then see that the man in the red chevy has rolled down his window, and is firing a pistol at the trucker. He fires six shots. I scream and fear for my life. Legitimate fear. I’m not even 50 yards behind this guy. The man hits the truck, shoots out the passenger side window, and puts at least two bullet holes in the windshield. The truck driver is swerving. He brakes to a near stop, and the assassin speeds up, pops a U-Turn, and heads back into New Mexico. I follow the trucker for about a mile down the road until he pulls over at a weigh station. He’s fine. I’m on the phone with 911 and the state police, hysterical because of what just happened, but I didn’t want to pull over because of my fear that the guy would come back to finish the job or something. I don’t know if they found him.

You really maintain hope that humanity isn’t that crazy. One man wouldn’t kill another for no reason. People don’t really shoot others while simultaneously driving 75mph down an interstate. But they do. It happens. It nearly killed me. Now I cringe every time someone passes me. I will never cut off (or raise the middle finger to) another driver, ever. No matter what. Never. I know it’s a little Pulp Fiction-ish of me, but those bullets landed that way for a reason. It was an act of God or something. I still cannot fathom that the trucker, myself, my daughter, and the assassin aren’t all roadkill right now. Too close for comfort.

Maybe a happier blog tomorrow, if I get the house with a pool and I don’t miss my honeybunny so much (yes, more Pulp Fiction for those of you who care and notice). Have a good one.

I’m in Las Cruces New Mexico, in a Motel 6. Don’t ask why.

Rebecca is with me, and being the curious child she is, she looked under the bed to see what she would find. Now we grown ups know not to EVER look under the hotel beds… especially in a hotel with the (gasp) doors on the outside! What did she find? Yes. She found a Jack Daniels bottle, right beside the Smirnoff Vodka bottle. Both empty (too bad, yes? I could have slept a little better =).

Those who know me know that I do not frequent hotels with doors on the outside. I find it dangerous, and mainly just yucky. I am a hotel snob. I want internet, and I want allllll the room entrances on the inside of a building. It isn’t asking much, but in Las Cruces, I guess it is. I had six hotels to choose from off of the interstate, and all of them had their doors just flailing out there for all the world to see. I chose Motel Six because they left the light on for me. Too bad they didn’t shine that light under the bed. I plan on pulling a Deb Jump in the morning and complaining until I get my room for free. Ha!

One bit of advice: Do not ever attempt to explain the difference between old Mexico and New Mexico to a child. They just don’t understand.

Off I go to sleep in my tainted hotel room… and off to Erin’s tomorrow! Yay! Phoenix! New home! I bid you a good night.

Today is the day I was born, 23 years ago. I think that I do not deserve presents. Rather, my mother should get them. She was the one working her buns off… I just popped out.

Schedule for the rest of the day:

2:30 Get my hair did by “Missy” at the salon

4:00 Go to zoo to see evil monkeys, while trying to control child who is not unlike a monkey.

6:30 Out to eat at place of my choosing. I believe we will be headed to P.F. Changs.

9:00 Kid goes to bed, Shane and I enjoy a twelve pack (or 16, whatever.). Although he is having gallbladder issues. He may not be able to hold much, but he shall try.

2:00 Bedtime… or maybe Risk Time…. we shall see.

I still have not recieved my authorization to test. I graduate from college, work for four and a half years, and then proceed to sit around and wait on the board of nursing. I am very frustrated, and have resorted to checking my email every 5 minutes… hoping… off to cut the mop. Good day!

After watching Shane play 752 hours of NCAA football, I started to get jealous. I’ve decided that I will be calling the powers at sony playstation and asking for a video game about nursing. Yes! Just imagine… You are an ED nurse, and a woman comes in (list of symptoms here). What do you do? SHE CODES!! (picture of death). You run the code. You score points for doing procedures correctly and saving lives. While playing, you also encounter drunks, rude family members, and crazies who want to kill you… but you calm those situations. You lose when one of them kills you, or when the board of nursing comes to take away your license. Perfecto!

It was released last night in the scientific news junk that an ingredient commonly found in plastics and beauty products is causing male fetuses to be born with much smaller penises, and with testicles that have problems descending. This must be what happened to my ex-husband. Zing!

I’ve signed up for this thing called Hi5, and I have lots of friends on it. The problem is only one of them have a picture. The rest of us have these shadow-figureish things that are dumb. So it looks like I’m friends with the shadow people. Yes!

Off I go to calm my ass-crazy monkey child. I love her to death but for heaven’s sake…. must you really sing the Backyardigans theme song at the top of your lungs for 45 minutes a day?? Ohhh… maybe that is where my headache is coming from.

One more quick thing- the boxes are making me insane. They are taking over my living room, and I feel closed in and suffocated. However, I am too lazy to move them. Goodbye.

I have a friend who has a friend that I don’t really know…. beside the point who said it, but someone found it strange that people post personal things online. I concur.

In the other, more responsible world…. I deal with people who would find it at least somewhat strange that I had an urge to spotlight Walker:Texas Ranger on my blog. Those people don’t know I drink beer. They don’t know I have an Office Space and newfound Johnny Depp obsession. They don’t need to know.

Now paranoid, I decided to do a search for my name. I googled “Valerie Jump.” Yes, I was horrified when this blog showed up, directly under all my hoity-toity crap I do. It was on the bottom of the first page.

Then I figured out something… I may very well have multiple-personality-sort-of-syndrome. Or maybe I am just protected about my private life… I don’t talk about Walker or The Bag at work… only among friends. My college friends know a different me than my friends that have been around a long time. Am I hiding parts of my life from different people?? I don’t think that is so much the case… I think I’m just not into talking about certain things with certain people.

My friend Tawna would never understand the Bangher and Leaver intersection. My friend Erin spits out her Coke at it. I didn’t send out an announcement of my blog via email, because I wasn’t sure I wanted anyone to see it. Hm.

Oh well. It can’t make that much of a difference in my professional life can it? I’ve not posted nakie-pics (yet..heehee…) so it can’t be that bad. Who knows. Maybe my boss adores Walker.

Good one… ha!